“Let’s talk about Sex”…and Priests

This post is the first of a series on the topic of sexuality in the Church.

Twenty years ago the rap duo “Salt n Pepa” released a song entitled “Let’s Talk About Sex.” It was written to address the seriousness of the AIDS epidemic and the need to engage in open and honest conversation with our young people concerning sexual activity. At the time, I was a student enrolled in Catholic School preparing for an upcoming school dance. The song was popular and most of the students in my class wanted it played at the dance. When we approached the student DJ, he flatly refused to play the song, figuring that his immortal soul would plummet down to the depths of hell the moment the first note of the song rang through the school hall. Undaunted, my friends and I set out to come up with a plan to play the song. We rallied troops from both our own classmates and the students in the grade below us. We’d have one of the prettiest girls in the school ask the DJ to dance and while he was in ecstasy on the dance floor, I’d sneak a copy of the single to my buddy filling in at the DJ table and he’d play the song before anyone knew what hit them. At the same time the girls would be ready to sing loudly along with the song and scream the word “socks” in place of the word “sex.” Really! I couldn’t make this up. Our plan went just as we’d hoped and the song rang out as we all sang and danced our hearts out. Of course there was hell to pay after. Our teenage minds were just mesmerized that the teachers and Sisters were actually familiar with the song and weren’t at all fooled by the not-so-subtle “socks” replacement. Sadly, the teachers didn’t take the opportunity to discuss the issues with us that the song was intended address. Instead we were disciplined for playing what was called a “vulgar song” and we were barred from attending any more dances that year.

It is twenty years later and I am amazed when “sex” is still considered a dirty word in Catholic circles. Why is it considered inappropriate to talk about sex in churches? Is it any wonder that our churches are littered with sex scandals? Perhaps if we talked more openly about sex and sexual activity, there would be fewer scandals in our churches. Perhaps if we were open about issues concerning sex and sexuality our children would be more respectful and responsible when dealing with sexual issues and feel more able to reach out for help when confronted with problems involving sex. Perhaps if sex was not considered a vulgar subject in church, more priests would be more responsible and more open about their own sexuality.

Recently I have given a few talks about topics related to sex and sexual morality. After delivering the talks, some of the listeners questioned me about what they thought was a lax approach to condemning “immoral sexual activity” such as sex before marriage. My openness in talking about sexual activity among the clergy also seemed to shock some of the listeners. After hearing some of the responses I thought it was time to “talk about sex” on the OPD blog. So today I’d like to begin a series of posts related to the topic of sex. This is part of my effort to make this topic less taboo in the Church.

Let’s begin by discussing the idea of sexuality and the priesthood. As a victim of clergy sexual abuse, you can probably imagine that I am very concerned with ensuring that the men who are in active ministry as priests have a healthy control over their sexuality. Certainly, I think many people would agree that the Church has yet to find a healthy approach to sexuality in the priesthood. For too long we have expected priests to leave their sex drives at the church steps before entering ministry. Anyone who thinks that a priest does not have any sexual desire is fooling themselves. Anyone who thinks that it is wrong for a priest to have sexual desires is just a fool. A priest is a human being and therefore a sexual being. I wish that the topic of priestly sexuality was not so taboo. If it wasn’t, I believe that I and many other victims of clergy abuse would have been spared.

If you expect your priests to be devoid of sexuality you are asking for them to be devoid of human nature. It is not impossible to serve God and Church while at the same time living a healthy sexual life. It is time that we leave behind the childish notion that our priests have to abandon their sexuality. This requirement simply forces men in the priesthood to live secret lives. I think it’s ironic that many people in the pews often criticize priests for preaching unrealistic moral codes to the congregation, yet the parishioners expect the priests to live equally unrealistic moral codes concerning their own sexuality. Certainly there are some priests who will say that their celibate lives are freeing and acceptable to them, but many others find that living a chaste life is an ongoing struggle. I say that it is not fair to ask a man to give up part of his human nature in order for him to serve humanity in God’s name.

Let’s talk about some of the common misunderstandings about the nature of priestly sexuality.

Celibacy does not mean Chastity or Abstinence from sexual activity

Most Catholics believe that diocesan priests make a vow of chastity. This is not true. Diocesan priests (parish priests) do not make vows. Religious Order priests (like Franciscans or Jesuits) make vows. Diocesan priests make promises. In the Church a vow is different from a promise. A vow is made to God. A promise is made to the bishop. In a Religious Order when a priest makes a vow of Chastity, he commits to abstain from all sexual activity. When a diocesan priest makes a promise of celibacy to his bishop, he simply promises not to marry. Even though many will argue that a promise not to marry equates to sexual abstinence, essentially a priest who engages in consensual adult sexual relations is not breaking any vow made to God or even any promise made to his bishop. Now, since the Catholic Church considers it a sin to have sex before marriage, the priest is required to confess the sin just as any other unmarried Roman Catholic who has sexual relations outside the bonds of marriage. There is no greater sin because the individual happens to be a diocesan priest.

You may remember a media story from 2009 that revolved around a priest from Florida, Fr. Alberto Cutie (pronounced koo-tee-AYE), who was stripped of his priestly faculties because he was photographed on the beach embracing and kissing a women. This particular priest was widely known. The media reported on the outrage of the Catholic people. Ultimately Fr. Cutie, left the Catholic Church and became an Episcopalian priest. I could not understand at the time why his bishop did not take the opportunity to explain that the priest was not guilty of breaking any vows, as reported in the media and widely assumed by the Catholic people. Instead, the bishop suspended him. I suspect his suspension was a result of the controversy stirred in the media and not because he was having a good time on the beach. It was certainly not related to Fr. Cutie breaking any vows or promises---because he didn’t.

Quite frankly, as a survivor of clergy sexual abuse, I was happy to see that this priest was acting out in a healthy, open way concerning his sexual desires. I hoped that the story of this priest’s situation would start a national conversation about the need to reevaluate the requirements placed on priests concerning sexual relationships. Unfortunately, the Catholic machine once again set out to discredit a healthy (and apparently happy) priest instead of addressing the real core issue. When will the bishops of the Church begin to talk openly and honestly about the real concerns of the community instead of acting like politicians worried about public relations?

So, are married priests the answer?

As a result of the Apostolic Constitution 'Anglicanorum coetibus' of Pope Benedict XVI (4 November 2009), the Roman Catholic Church now permits the creation of what can be considered “special dioceses” made up of former Anglican parishes and clergy who convert to Catholicism. This means that married Anglican priests can be ordained as Catholic priests. Even before this Apostolic Constitution, married priests from other denominations who converted to Catholicism, were eligible to be ordained as Catholic priests.

Now a system is in place in the Church for married men to become priests, will that solve the problem of a priesthood that has an intrinsically unhealthy approach to human sexuality? I say no.

Many men enter priestly formation in their college-aged years. Priestly formation is intense and requires the full commitment and attention of the student. These are ordinarily the years when other young men are dating and exploring their sexuality. The seminary system does not allow this. Instead it begins to inculcate the student into the lifestyle of sexual abstinence. I believe this is very harmful to the natural human development of the seminary student; and that it leads to sexual confusion later in life when the student is an adult in the world interacting with other adults. I also believe that it is spiritually abusive to demand that young men replace their sexual desires with spiritual practice. You cannot pray away your sexual desire. Many young men who try are burdened with feelings of guilt and unworthiness. I believe it is a crime before God to subject young men to this type of psycho-sexual torment.

It is unhealthy to ask a human being to completely ignore his sexual nature. Sex is a gift from God. I believe that until the Church respects the dignity of human sexuality in its priesthood, that it cannot expect the world at large to take anything it says about sexual morality seriously. After all, the priests of the church are never permitted to fully experience their sexuality so how can these men form any moral codes related to a topic that is totally foreign to their life experience?

I for one have permitted myself to explore my own sexuality in healthy ways. Over the years many Catholic priests have criticized me for that saying that I am guilty before God of sexual relations outside of marriage. To that I say that God owed me one healthy sexual experience for every unhealthy one that his priests gave me as a child. That usually quiets them right up. (For more about my views on clergy sexual abuse see the blog posting here) Not to mention that several Popes have fathered children (and some during their pontificate) so it seems that at least a few Pontiffs have shared my views on a healthy expression of sexuality in ministry.

I believe that we have to start dealing with sexuality among our priests in an honest, open, healthy way. I also believe that as a Church we have to adopt a more realistic sexual moral code that conforms to the reality of human nature. Sex is a gift from God that lets us share in the divine, life-creating nature. Sex is something that should be celebrated in healthy ways.

The issue of sexuality in the Ecumenical OPD

Sex is a topic that should not be taboo in the Church. It is certainly not taboo to talk about in the Ecumenical OPD circles (as you can see). In 2006 when the OPD was formed we included private vows in the statues. One vow was the vow of Chastity made for a period of one year at the start of entering the community. In 2010 when the statues were updated, that vow was removed from the requirements of the Community. This was done after carefully evaluating the nature of our lay community and because of the confusion that surrounds the truth of sexual morality in the Church. I for one am not comfortable telling two adults engaging in consensual healthy sexual relations that they are guilty of sin before God. If those adults happen to be unmarried, I believe that the decision to engage in sexual relations has to be made between them. As a minister I have been able to help many couples with decisions regarding their sexuality. I believe that many people feel comfortable to come to me for spiritual advice related to sexual matters because I have a reputation of being open and honest on this subject. Regardless of what any mainstream priest has to say about that reputation, I am happy that young people come to me seeking God’s counsel in this area…sadly many tell me that they just don’t feel comfortable talking to their local priests about sex.

What are your opinions related to the topic of priestly sexuality? You can email me directly if you’d like to share your thoughts dominicanvocations@hotmail.com

In the next few posts I will discuss other topics related to sexuality. It’s taken twenty years, but finally I can openly talk about this subject in Church. So in the immortal words of Salt n Pepa…Let’s Talk About Sex. Amen.


With hope for the future, I am,
+Bro. Tomas Martin, OPD
Presiding Minister of the OPD Community

HOLY FATHER RECEIVES ECUMENICAL DELEGATION

From the Vatican Information Service:
VATICAN CITY, 15 JAN 2011 (VIS) - This morning in the Vatican, Benedict XVI received an ecumenical delegation from Finland for the occasion of the Feast of St. Henry, the country's patron saint.

"Every year", said the Pope, addressing the group in German, "this meeting bears witness to the friendship and co-operation that exist between Lutherans and Catholics and, in general, among all Christians in your country".

"Although the goal of the ecumenical movement - complete unity in the faith - has not yet been reached", dialogue has produced many points of agreement, Benedict XVI noted. Among these he highlighted the declaration "on the doctrine of justification in the life of the Church", and gave assurances that further study of this theme will contribute, among other things, "to a shared viewpoint on the nature of the episcopal office".

"At the same time", he went on, "we are all aware that the ecumenical journey has, in some ways, become more difficult and challenging. In this light, your annual pilgrimage to Rome for the Feast of St. Henry is an important event and a stimulus to our efforts. It helps us to look back with joy at the goals we have achieved and forward to the future with the desire for responsible compromise".

"In view of the Week of Prayer for Christian Unity", the Pope concluded, "let us ask the Spirit of Truth to impel us to ever greater love and fraternity".

What do you seek?

As the new year begins I am contemplating the direction of the Community. I am reminded of an old story about an aging Master:

The Master had grown old and infirm. When his disciples begged him not to die, he said: "If I do not go, how will you ever see?"

His disciples asked him, "What is it that we fail to see when you are with us?"

The Master gave no reply. When the moment drew near for the Master to depart, they asked again, "What will we see when you are gone?"

Smiling, with a certain light in his eye, the Master uttered these words:

"All I did was sit on the bank of the river and hand out river water. When I leave, I trust you will notice the river."

~

I ask the OPD Community and its friends this question for 2011: Do you see the river?

The artwork presented with this post is "The Water Fan" by Winslow Homer